Running into the future
For the first time in a long time I don’t want to go back to Poland. That doesn’t mean I want to stay here though. I don’t. I want to run. Run away, start somewhere new. From experience I know that starting new isn’t easy. But then again this time I’ll be starting again alone. No family near by, nothing familiar. Don’t take this the wrong way, I love my family. I really do. However, I’ve been brought up to be very independent, and being alone is what I do best. I have pushed away my Polish Catholic community, friends from school, friends in Poland, my scout community and I’m pushing away my parents. And yet I long to have my own family and a group of loving friends.
Do you know what I imagine everytime I close my eyes? I imagine that I’m running or swimming. Towards the sun. Alone. Free.
That kind of freedom that I used to feel when I would dance. Unfortunately, I have lost that. Dance doesn’t give me that freedom no more. Even though I thought I gained if backed the other day when I walked up to my spot on top of a hill and danced. Free. An yet I quickly realised my spine won’t let me. My mind won’t let me either.
I still feel this freedom when I’m up on the stage, pouring my heart out into a song. But I want to feel free, feel like me, all the time.
I have applied to many different uni’s and they all are quite a way away. One that I was set on was doing Music at Edinburgh. Unfortunately, I did not get in. The night before I got the news from UCAS I told myself and God that if I got into Scotland that this would be what I would do, that this would solve my issue of not knowing what I would do in the future. I wanted to run. Not being accepted was like God trying to tell me that running wasn’t the way to go. I have to admit, I was devasted and angry. Maybe that’s for the best.
Another issue that is bugging me: I keep lying to myself. I have an uconditional offer to do Fine Art… but I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do. I wanted to do music. I don’t want to go and do something I wont be happy doing. I have also applied to a uni course that I’m telling myself that it’s better than it sounds.
In Poland you apply to Uni a year later than in the UK. Right now I am jealous of all those people that don’t have to make the decision of what they’re going to do for the next 3+ years. I’m not even 18 and already I’m loosing it over picking a uni. But in my case, it’s also a country.
The Gab Eye